


September

by lamuella



Category: The Mindy Project
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-09 23:45:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2002617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamuella/pseuds/lamuella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A week from Morgan's diary.  I'll add more weeks as time goes on. Obviously I own none of the characters or things here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

SEPTEMBER 1

Forgot to say "rabbit rabbit" when I woke up this morning. Said it while brushing my teeth but it doesn't count. Dang it, another month of bad luck. Said hello to all the crows I saw on my way to work, hope that builds me up some credit.

Betsy said my hologram embossed business cards still hadn't come in. I know she never ordered them, I just want HER to admit that. The waiting game continues. The hologram was of a dog wearing a stethoscope. It took me 9 hours to draw.

SEPTEMBER 2

Another argument with Grandmother this morning. Apparently a thunderstorm isn't a good enough reason to crawl into her bed at 4AM any more. I never agreed to this rule.

Doctor Reed has switched morning snack from pistachios to almonds. Probably a good idea. Lots of dietary fiber in an almond. I marked it on his chart. He's stopped eating lunch in the break room so I have to infer what he ate from the contents of his trashcan. Falafel wrap and nacho cheese Combos. Better than last week when he had a philly cheese steak and hid the wrapper in his desk drawer but still not great.

SEPTEMBER 3

Referred to Tamra as my girlfriend this morning, which meant that for the next 45 minutes she explained to me the difference between girlfriend and boyfriend, dating, hooking up, stepping out, and friends with benefits. I haven't been this confused about something since the time Cousin Lou tried to run a Dungeons & Dragons campaign with only the front half of one of the books.

I saw a chipmunk in the crawlspace over the men's bathroom stalls. It wasn't Clyde. I'd never seen this chipmunk before. What happened to Clyde?

SEPTEMBER 4

Today Dr Castellano told me I'm not allowed to pick up Dr Lahiri's drycleaning during work any more. Great, that means I'll have to do it after work which means another half hour before I get home. When I told him this he said I was missing the point and I shouldn't be getting her drycleaning after work either. When does he expect me to pick it up?

Got home tonight and there was a huge damp spot on the carpet. Thought for a moment the pipes had burst again but thankfully it was just dog pee.

Going to ask the new hibachi place across the street if they'll relax their “no pets” policy.

SEPTEMBER 5

I am now banned from the hibachi place across the street.

Spent an hour this morning in the men's bathroom stall at work. You ever feel like you need to apologize to a toilet after you're done with it?

Note to self: Do not buy sushi at a yard sale again. No matter how cheap it is.

Dr Reed has taken to hiding M&Ms in pill bottles in his desk. Nobody has that many headaches.

SEPTEMBER 6

Woke up with one headache and no pants. Looking back on yesterday I think when Beverly offers to “Irish up” a coffee she means something different to me. That explains why there was no shamrock drawn in the foam. I probably shouldn't have had four.

Had to reschedule rollerblading with Duncan for tomorrow after dance practice. I don't want to throw up on his skates during a Starlight Swing again.

Sent Tamra a text asking if she wanted to go on a date with me to the batting cages. She replied “Morgan, that's not how you ask, and the batting cages aren't a date”. Going to have to ask Dr L what she means.

SEPTEMBER 7

When Grandmother asked this morning I truthfully told her that there are no longer seven miniature schnauzers living in the crawlspace under the house. The addition of Hugs Gruber brings the number up to nine.

Met Duncan and the rest of the Secret Boyfriend Dancers at our dojo, the parking lot in front of the abandoned Denny's. It's going to take work, but if my back holds up and Alistair doesn't run into complications during his knee surgery we're going to take America's Best Dance Crew 2015 by storm.

Got a text from Tamra. “Meet me at the batting cages. We have a not-date.”


	2. September 8-14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the next week from Morgan's diary

SEPTEMBER 8

After my not-date last night, I woke up at my desk in the office, fully clothed, 8 minutes before work was due to start. I guess the universe sometimes unfolds like it should.

Today, Betsy stared at Dr Reed eating a frozen yogurt for five minutes, then ran off to the bathroom. I think maybe she's monitoring what he eats too. I should share my findings with her so we can compare notes.

Found a quarter on the subway on my way home. Gave it to a homeless guy at Far Rockaway. You won't catch me holding on to cursed subway quarters.

SEPTEMBER 9

Dr Prentice is back from Cancun. He says he has a new tattoo but can't show it to me until the infection clears up. He offered to hook me up with a “thirty-something-looking GILF” he met on vacation but I declined. None of the girls Dr Prentice sets me up with like going to the petting zoo.

I asked Betsy about her Dr Reed food log. She looked at me funny and walked away. That's fine, Betsy, don't come running to me when I work out that he has a brassica intolerance and you don't.

SEPTEMBER 10

_Morgan, I'm writing this so you know I can find your diary any time I want to. What I eat is none of your business, so stop logging it or I'll re-open the “inappropriate workplace activities” disciplinary file. This is your only warning._

_-Dr Reed_

_PS: I'm almost out of pickled onion Monster Munch. Can you talk to your friend in the British Embasssy kitchens and see if he can get me another box? 36 bags will do for now, I'm not an animal._

SEPTEMBER 11

Need to find a better hiding place for my diary. All my usual places are either too obvious or full of dog treats.

Tamra said I was an idiot for logging what Dr Reed was eating. He goes from salad one week to eating crescent roll dough from the can the next, so it's not like I'll find a pattern. I said speaking of eating did she want to have dinner with me. She said I was getting better at asking her out but I still needed to try harder.

Was going to spend the evening catching up on The Vampire Diaries, but my neighbors closed their curtains.

SEPTEMBER 12

Won $31 from Beverly this morning. She won't be saying “I bet you won't take these pills I found in the bathroom” again any time soon.

Going over to Dr Prentice's apartment tonight for a game of Swiss Roulette. I don't gamble because I've been banned from Atlantic City for unconnected reasons, but I'm sure I'll pick it up. Dr Prentice asked if I liked Absinthe. I said I did. I like most music so I'm sure it will be fine.

SEPTEMBER 13

Dr Prentice is a very bad man.

Spent the morning alternating between vomiting into a plastic basin and apologizing to Dr Lahiri for the mess I made of her couch. I don't remember much after about midnight but apparently I turned up at Dr L's front door crying and saying I never got to play baseball with my dad. Which is stupid because we played catch in the visitor's room all the time.

Took the subway home to find that Grandmother had bolted the door. Joke's on you, Grandmother, I can still fit through the kitchen window if I take my pants off.

Tried to get to sleep early but the same question kept running round my head: do birds have best friends?

SEPTEMBER 14

Took Tamra to the mall and helped her pick out some new outfits. She said Ray Ron would never come to the mall with her because of the time he started a fight in the Build-A-Bear Workshop.

She asked my opinion on her outfit choices, but I'm not a good judge of clothes. She looks amazing in everything, and I just think fashion is weird. There's a reason I went for a career where I can wear scrubs every day.

Apparently Panda Express at the food court doesn't count as a date either.


	3. September 15-21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morgan has been asking people for their advice...

SEPTEMBER 15

Note to self: Dr Castellano might SAY he's interested in hearing stories about dogs, but really he'll just read the paper and say “uh huh” while you're telling him about the puppy you found by the Jersey Mike's dumpster.

The damp spot in the ceiling over the big desk in phlebotomy is getting bigger. Either there's a leaking pipe or Pedro knocked over his water bowl in the ventilation ducts again. I'll check when I do my rounds. There's people in this place who think I'm poorly motivated but I don't see them housing fifteen dogs and cats in a medical office without anyone noticing. Who's the lazy one now?

SEPTEMBER 16

I asked Dr Reed about ways to ask girls on a date. He said he usually just introduces himself as Lord Frederick Windsor and mentions he's 43rd in line for the throne. I don't think that will help me much.

Right by the station someone had parked a 1967 Mustang. Unlocked. You could get that baby started in 45 seconds with a paperclip. Said the serenity prayer over and over all the way home.

SEPTEMBER 17

There are some patients in the practice who appreciate a warm and lighthearted bedside manner from the nurse taking their blood sample. There are others who will ask to see a doctor the moment you say “Hey, mama, I need a sip of that red Kool-Aid”. Some people are just uptight.

I asked Betsy how she likes a guy to ask her on a date. She went quiet for quite a while, then said that the height of romance for her would be a guy buying her a single red rose, presenting it to her, then asking if she wants to go for a walk in the moonlight with no chaperone. After she said it, she smiled at me weirdly then left the room. Tamra's allergic to pollen, so this advice is no help to me at all.

SEPTEMBER 18

At practice this morning one of my sneakers flew off and hit Duncan in the face. He says once the swelling in his nose goes down he'll be fine. I need to think of a way to properly apologize so he doesn't put some kind of a midwife hex on me.

Beverly said the line that works best when guys ask her on dates is “My motel room has HBO”.

SEPTEMBER 19

A dude came round the building at lunchtime selling flowers for charity. I bought a crysanthemum for Dr L's desk because she likes flowers as long as she doesn't have to take care of them. After the guy left, Betsy ran to the bathroom and then left for the day. I hope she's not sick.

I asked Dr Lahiri for her advice on asking girls on dates. She said there was someone in the building I should be asking instead of her. She's right of course, but I still haven't forgiven Dr C for acting so bored during my dog story.

SEPTEMBER 20

Spent the morning trying to decide which character from a movie I'd most like to be. Couldn't decide between Dolph Lundgren in Masters Of The Universe, and Dolph Lundgren in every other role he's played.

Going off into the woods tonight. My buddy Terry got the keys to his brother's cabin out near the Finger Lakes and I'm welcome to stay as long as I drive us out there. He gave me directions but I think I can do it from memory.

SEPTEMBER 21

The good news is that the owners of the cabin see it was an honest mistake and have decided not to press charges. The bad news is that my insurance has a huge copay for treating the dog bite. Guess I'll be donating a bunch of plasma and platelets this week, hope nobody recognizes me.

Terry kept apologizing but it wasn't his fault. It was his brother's for not telling him he'd sold the place, and to a lesser extent the new owners for not changing the locks.

Tamra called while I was in the ER to see if I'd come over and help rearrange the furniture in her front room. I said I couldn't because I the painkillers were giving me vertigo. She said “I see how it is”. I think I'm in trouble.


	4. September 22-30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morgan figures out who he should have asked in the first place.

SEPTEMBER 22

This morning Tamra walked into the office and specifically greeted everyone by name except me. She even said hi to Wallace the janitor and I KNOW she hates him because of that time he drank three bottles of her Snapple.

Dr Castellano asked for my help setting up his new phone. His old one died when the battery started leaking and ruined his favourite button down shirt. Dr L insisted he get a Samsung Galaxy so I spent 15 minutes explaining to him what apps were before he went out in the corridor and started ranting about the Korean war. I finished setting the phone up for him anyway. I may have accidentally signed him up for Tinder.

SEPTEMBER 23

I showed Tamra the design for the apology tattoo I was thinking of getting for not being able to come over at the weekend. She said “That's the problem with you, Morgan. Always planning but never actually doing anything.”

I was so bummed out that not even finding two kittens on my way home could console me.

SEPTEMBER 24

So how come when a guy is accepting donations for charity that's noble but when I try to do it because I forgot my wallet and didn't pack a lunch that's begging?

I've been a real grumpy bear this week and I only figured it out when Beverly told me. Actually what she said was “Morgan, chill out or I will cut you. I know people.” but the subtext was clear.

Dr Castellano just asked me “Why are there girls on my telephone?”. I promised to fix it.

SEPTEMBER 25

My package from Canada arrived. You'd think I'd be able to get ear syringes that can be connected to a bathroom sink in New York, but my insurance didn't cover it so I had to turn to the Internet again.

After a first treatment I can now hear out of my right ear again. Unfortunately I can't hear out of my left any more, but any change is progress, right?

Tamra asked if I wanted coffee earlier. She didn't actually make coffee, but at this point I'll take even asking as progress.

SEPTEMBER 26

The neighbours across the street were watching Dead Poets Society last night. Woke up this morning with a Nuwanda lightning bolt on my chest and a determination to seize the day. Went straight to work without even my daily stop at the petting zoo, marched into phlebotomy and asked Tamra on a date for tonight.

Only problem was that this was Tamra's day off, and the woman at her desk was an agency nurse called Althea who now thinks I'm racist.

Shot some hoops with Dr Prentice on the roof at lunch. Apparently where he learned to play they don't have the “pants your opponent and get 2 points” rule.

Afterwards I asked him how he asks girls out. He asked if this was about Tamra and I nodded. Some people can't see past the fact that Dr Prentice has named both his testicles and see how smart he is. He told me that with a girl like Tamra you have to be honest, you have to be yourself, and you have to show her how much it means. He started talking about his ex-girlfriend Becca, but before he could give me any advice he had to run off for an urgent appointment.

All afternoon someone in the building was listening to “please please please let me get what I want” over and over again and crying. My suspicion is that it was Terry, he always seemed like the Smiths type.

SEPTEMBER 27

Decided that the best way to impress Tamra was a homecooked meal so I'm road testing pan-fried pork tenderloin in Marsala with sauteed potatoes for myself and Grandmother tonight.

SEPTEMBER 28

Turns out that sambucca is not an acceptable alternative for marsala in that recipe. Spent all day cleaning grease and soot off the kitchen ceiling. Grandmother said she won't talk to me until the house doesn't smell like burning dog hair any more.

SEPTEMBER 29

Tamra was off again today. Work's pretty boring without her. Ended up playing cards with Beverly on my lunch break and now I owe her $250.

After work, Dr Castellano agreed to pay me the $250 if I'd show him how to change the oil on his car. I pointed out that he lives a block and a half from a Jiffy-Lube, but he says that's not the point. Men change their oil. He got it right on the third try and only got oil on one vest. Afterwards we had a beer together which we hadn't done in months. I asked him how he asks girls out, and he gave this kind of sad laugh and said he was the worst person in the world to ask. If he really thinks that he hasn't taken a good look at Dr Lahiri lately.

SEPTEMBER 30

She was back today, and I didn't realize until she walked in how much I'd missed her, and how much I knew I was acting like a gold plated dork. I also realized I'd been asking the wrong people the wrong questions.

I bought her the roast beef sandwich from Gianni's for lunch. I can't stand the place because they have a sign saying their sandwiches are “scrummy”, but Tamra loves their food.

Before she bit into it, I said. “Tamra, I'm too much of an idiot to work this out for myself. How do you want to be asked on a date?”

She put the sandwich down, smiled, then leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and said “That's how.”

We're going out for dinner tomorrow night. Somewhere non-chain with menus where they don't need to point out you need shirt and shoes. After that... we'll see.

It's getting close to midnight. I should get some sleep.

Hare, Hare.


End file.
